Roller Coasters

I love roller coasters. It’s a love I share with my dad, which makes me love them even more. Happy Father’s day, Dad! I owe you a more upbeat post (which is in the making but somehow my media player has been acting up all week), but I do have some good news. The good news is that if we were to take the kids to Animal Kindgom for a Russell‘s birthday/Father‘s day belated celebration, I’d get to ride every roller coaster at the park. The bad news: only because I am NOT pregnant. Anymore.

I didn’t want to see the doctor. When the bleeding started I knew what was happening. I didn’t need their confirmation, and I especially didn’t need to hear their textbook statistics about how this happens all the time to women everywhere. I like to believe that doctors and well meaning friends share things like this not to be cold and calloused, but to help us find strength....the kind of strength that is found in numbers.....the kind of strength that can be found from super women who ride their bikes to the laundromat. Women are enduring much, much worse, right? Usually I can get by pretty well by talking myself out of disappointments with this kind of logic, but not this time. Hearing again and again about how common miscarriage is has only made this experience more lonely. The word “common” has been echoing in my head as I’ve tried to sort this all out. Common. Common. Common.  If the word common means widespread , then that is why I write this post. Many will understand, though I am sorry you do because that means you have experienced this kind of loss before. But if the word common suggests that a miscarriage is not even noteworthy, then that is also why I write this post.  Life and death are as "common" as they come, but we note them.  These past weeks I have felt myself trying to cope with the miracle of life and the sadness of death all at once, with lovely hormones accompanying me as I try make sense of it all.  And we all know what a reliable compass those things are.  To think that I thought I enjoyed roller coasters.

The experience of being pregnant is anything but common. The exhaustion. The excitement. The nausea. The absent brain (probably not as uncommon as I like to think). The little bump that’s more likely the unwelcome leftover bump from pregnancies past, but suddenly you’re able to see it as a beautiful bump. Bouncing names back and forth with the spouse.  Anticipating how you're going to share the happy news with the rest of the family.  I had put up the crib. Way, way, way early, (seriously, what was I thinking?) but we had just moved and storing it in our uncozy garage just wouldn’t do when we knew that a little, warm life was on its way. The excitement. Did I mention the excitement?

It is difficult to say goodbye to someone you've never had a chance to say hello to.  I'm not sure at all how to do it.....................................  but I am so grateful to know Someone who does.